darling duckie

Guest Post: Love and Some Verses

 

This is an essay written by my ever-so-talented and intelligent friend Erin Brady of Brady Revisited. She loves her little girl and her husband so much it always makes me feel a sense of peace about the unknown path which is ahead of us. I asked her to write an essay for me and this is what she came up with. Sweet, tender, honest, and just what I need. Enjoy!

A month after Adelei was born I found myself sitting on a couch in a sundrenched room at my parents house.  I held a book in my hand and a sleeping baby on my lap.  Feeling completely content, I tried to remember my life before Adelei, it seemed like decades ago.

The best analogy that I could come up with to describe the change in my life was in the form of a memory.  I remember going to the park with my brothers, and begging them to push me on the merry-go-round.  It was by far my favorite part of the whole playground, and I would stand as close to the edge as I possibly could and watch my world spin round.  And hang on for dear life.  I loved the rush, and if I ever got tired, which rarely happened, I would go to the middle of the merry-go-round, because from that vantage point, the world didn’t spin quite as fast.

My life before motherhood was a lot like standing on the edge.  My world was fast paced, and every minute was planned.  Spare time was a luxury I didn’t have.  There were mountains of problems to solve, tests to take, and projects to work on.  That was as a student.  As an engineer life was equally busy.  Wake up at 4:30, drive to work, work ten hours, go home, make dinner, do laundry, and sleep.  Then repeat.  I could feel myself being worn down by the daily grind, and wondering what I was doing it for, and if this is really how I wanted to live my life.  I found myself thinking, I’d like to get off, please. 

The reactions I got at work after telling people I was pregnant ranged from complete shock to sideways glances.  No one at work (save the secretaries) seemed to be happy for me.  I found myself carefully picking my words, and playing political games of chess, as I tried to finagle enough time to get work off to have a baby, and try and leave my job without burning any bridges.

And then Adelei came.  Life was turned upside-down, and inside-out.  Its one thing to be pregnant and carry a baby, but the moment that Adelei was placed in my arms was one of sheer terror.  The realization that I actually had a baby was indescribable.  Never mind the months of planning, and dreaming.  At that moment, I wondered just who, exactly, thought that it would be a good idea for me to hold this much responsibility in my arms.  But it was also a beautiful moment, one that shapes the soul.  I was a mother.

A month later I watch as the sun warms the features of my sleeping infant.  I felt the turning of my world slow, until I wasn’t sure if it was turning at all.  The world and everything in it could have passed me by, and I wouldn’t have cared.  And I didn’t care.  My life, and my job, was now solely taking care of my baby.  She wouldn’t know what I had given up in order to be her mommy.  I didn’t want her to.  Because really, somehow, it didn’t matter; this was the most surprising thing of all.  I was sure I’d miss the rush, the independence, and confidence that my old life had given me.  I’ve realized that this is a universal truth, whether or not you choose to leave your career: all mothers sacrifice something for their babies.  You have to; it’s a rite of passage. 

I’ve never looked back.  

 

Guest Post: Kindred Spirits and I

I am very excited to introduce you to my first guest poster and friend, Allison Barnes. I have to admit that we have never met in person, which is one of those oddities about meeting people through blogging. Allison is the niece of my friend, Susan. She {used} to write over on An Apple a Day, though new adventures have come her way for the time being. I commented on her blog, she commented on mine, we began emailing back and forth and have since become friends. In the past year, she worked diligently compiling the book "We Are Women," which was a compilation of essays and pictures depicting the divinity of women, and which was released this past September.

Though we have never met in person, I have great respect and admiration for Miss Allison Barnes, for her writing, thoughts, interests, aspirations, and kindness. I have been inspired by her many times and wanted to share her with you.

So... without further ado, enjoy this post, written by Allison Barnes, called "Kindred Spirits and I:"

 

“Life is partly what we make it,

and partly what is made by the friends we choose.”

-Tennessee Williams

 

 “Maybe you’re bi-polar,” he said to me as I sat sobbing on my couch.

 “Gee, thanks,” I replied, trying to remember that this guy was super nice to be sitting here listening to me bawl about one thing or another. He continued with, “Tons of creative people have bi-polar disorder. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.” And then we let it go.

 A year later we’d be together in a similar position when he would reveal that he may or may not have, to some degree or other, a few mental quirks himself. The man I had known for over two years, who I considered a good friend, and who I shared creative habits with gave me a peek into the complexities of his life. I spent the day in a dream, trying to imagine what the world looked like through his lens, trying to comprehend how his mind shaped the works he created.

I had never loved him more.

Yet, over the past few weeks, I’ve said goodbye and I’ve accepted the probable loss of our relationship, as well as many of my relationships with others, and I feel surprisingly content about it. I’m leaving on an adventure, and when I return, a lot of people will be off on their own adventures. We are all moving and flowing through our timelines, and what can be bad about that?

I’ve always been a planner. I plan out class schedules at least five times before settling, and then even do some swapping around once the semester starts. I lose track of time researching possible careers into the early morning hours. But with this new door opening, all of the planning has forcefully ceased. How can I even try to plan a year and a half in advance, with that year and a half being complete static? For all I know, I could get back and decide to pursue philanthropy full time, or decide that I have a hopeful career awaiting me as a modern artist? (Doubtful, but a possibility nevertheless).

But despite the shadow that hangs at the end of my adventure, there are people who will catch me when I come back home. Aside from close family members, there’s the friend who is more of a sister, who I will surely be sending Christmas cards to in 40 years; the friend who shares my academic, artistic, and hippie-ish passions; and the friend who laughs with me at the stupidest and most wonderful jokes. They know me and love me for everything that I am, and friendships like those cannot be taken lightly.

So while any possible New Years Resolution has been pushed to the back burner, with the simple intention to get through the year, I know that I will never have a kindred spirit too far away. I am eternally grateful for this realization.