darling duckie

"on grief"

There has been a lot going on in the last couple of weeks. As most of you know, Tiffany and Spencers baby passed away before they could give birth. We are all so sad but feel a sense of peace. I wrote about it on the We Are Women blog yesterday. I would write about it more here but, to be honest with you, it is still sad and painful to think about it. I spent most of last week with no energy or desire to do anything. So for now, I will leave it at that.

I would like to thank everyone for all their love and prayers and support. It has truly been touching to see how so many rally together in times of grief and pain. I appreciate your friendship and love.

on the day she was born

I had stayed awake far too late. My body must have known, choosing to go into labor only a few hours after I had finally shut my eyes.

I was told that I would know when labor started. But I didn't really know what was going on. I just had a stomach ache. Maybe it took a while to make the connection because my brain was still trying desperately to sleep. I pulled my phone out and timed each stomach ache. Sure enough the pains had a pattern. They were far enough apart that I would just sleep for the 15 minutes inbetween.

I wanted Billy to wake up, to comfort me, but he slept through it all. Lucky to be a man.

The preparation for this experience had been very minimal. And when it was all happening, I was more frightened than I had realized. I was scared of what it meant to go through labor, to push a child out, to recover. I was scared because I had only ever held a few newborns before. There would be no passing her on to my sisters when she would cry. Billy had held even less.

Quite the pair we were.

Then there was the terror of the pain I felt and the pain I would feel. I fought each contraction, which made each one more painful. Silently I prayed that this was it because if it was going to be worse than this, I didn't want to even try.

Hours later the decision was made. We would have a c-section. It was the way it needed to be. To say that all the work from then on out was easy would be a flat out lie. The only thing that kept me from passing out or becoming uncontrollably hysterical was knowing that Billy was right there, holding my hand and reminding me to breath. Laying on my back, arms strapped, I would look him in the eyes. He was calm, quiet. I knew that he would not leave me. Then I would close my eyes, reminding myself "breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out."

As they pulled her out, with a faint little cry, she was born. She was tired and worn from the journey and so was I. She calmly waited as they weighed and measured and cleaned. All the while I lay on the table, looking up at Billy, both of us with tears in our eyes.

We had done it. We had created, suffered, survived, and now been rewarded with a little soul to love.

scenes and stories from the hospital

• We didn't think she would come early. In fact, I didn't think she would come at all but that is another story entirely. We expected to have to be induced... but luckily she came a few days early.
• When we got to the hospital, we had to pick up that phone to have the door opened for us. I found myself unsure of what to say when I picked up the phone: "Hello, I am in labor." But what if I wasn't really and it really was just me being silly. It cause me more anxiety than it should have.
• I didn't realize how terrified I really was of the whole "labor and delivery" until we were at the hospital and the anxiety was overwhelming. Billy helped me through it.
• I got an epidural. It fell out and they had to do it all over again. Again, I was a bit freaked out.
• When I was druged up, we watched soccer and basketball games. (Later that night, I woke up talking to the nurse about the soccer game and asking her if my IV was British like the players were. I knew it was jibberish but I could not stop talking.)
• Although everything was going great, my body decided it was done trying to let Miss Millie out. I was stuck at a 7 for more than 4 hours, until we decided that we were going to have to do a c-section. It was a calm decision. And it was the right decision. Turned out the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice. Had we not done the c-section, it would have gotten serious and scary very quickly.
• Turns out I don't like having surgery. When my eyes weren't closed (and I was breathing deep breaths), they were staring at Billy who was right by my side. He helped me survive.
• When they pulled her out, the nurses declared that she was a big baby and that she had curly red hair. I thought I might have just given birth to a red-headed toddler. Had I not been laying down already, I would have probably passed out. (She just looked big... the chubby little thing. And although her hair was not really red, it has little tints of red in it.)
• I could not hold Millie when she was first born. I was so shaky and tired from the medication, I was too scared to hold her for a few hours. Eventually, while everyone was talking to one another, Billy brought her to my side, layed her next to my face so I could kiss her sweet smelling, red little cheeks. It felt like it was just the three of us in the whole world and I couldn't have been happier.
• The rest of that week is a bit of a blur. Maybe from the medication. Maybe from the life altering experience. Maybe a little of both.
• Considering how hard the entire pregnancy was on us, the labor and delivery went very smooth. We were blessed.

Photo Credit: Most of the photos were taken by Billy, some by me. The last one was taken by Bella Baby Photography.

finding me elsewhere today... again

I was laying in bed, sulking about current predicaments I am in and my lack of "something useful" to do, when I logged on, only to find my friend, Erin, who so kindly wrote that essay for me about motherhood, has kindly posted one of my essays... about pregnancy. (Surprised? Shouldn't be.) She did tell me which day she would post it but my silly little head seemed to have forgotten that today was the day. Head on over and check it out. Then have a look around her blog. She is a talented writer and photographer. And her daughter is so cute you just want to eat her up.

Would you like to know how we met? Erin and I used to work on the Utah State University campus mowing lawns and trimming trees for a summer. She taught me how to trim the trees the right way and we came away with some killer farmer tans. Good times. Good times.

Happy reading!

battle wounds {a guest post on the We Are Women Blog}

Today I am writing on the We Are Women Blog again. Is it ok to admit that I have stretch marks? Maybe I should be more careful about admiting to my imperfections. Oh well, I have never been very good about hiding anything.

Go have a look see and let me know what you think!

decor

I have a lot of projects going on right now. I like to categorized them: Stand Up Projects and Sit Down Projects. On the Stand Up Project list is finishing washing and hanging all the baby clothes, clean the kitchen, clean the bedroom, and so on. It seems like it is never ending. And it doesn't help that the stand up projects are rather exhausting for someone carrying an extra person. Needless to say, that list is slowing getting done. Very, very slowly.

But the Sit Down Projects, those I can do while elevating my feet to try to get the swelling to go down. I am slow at those projects too, but at least I can feel even maginally productive. Most of these Sit Down Projects are for the babies room... which I am pretty excited about. (Millie is so spoiled... she has so many clothes and she is going to probably have the first decorated room of the house.)

Let's start with what I bought, shall we? Billy and I both love art work but buying art work is not cheap. Recently, however, I have found some original art prints on Etsy that are well priced and beautiful.

First up, Taken by Bats by Candace Jean

"They came for her one starry October night, and it's all that Adele could have ever wanted..."

I found this print to be unique, enchanting, with a touch of classic gothic, and I fell in love. The artist herself is sweet, unique, and genuine. A couple other favorites of mine are here and here.

Next up, also from Etsy, is Bird Chirping Weather by Katie Daisy:

I love the colors and the quote. I am very excited about this one to arrive. So excited, in fact, that I bought another print from Katie Daisy for our living room called Garden Party.

There are a few other prints that I really like but I am exercising some self control. Two prints is good enough for now.

We have some ideas for using fabric as art canvas that we are still working on but when it is done, I will definately show you.

The next project that I have been working on is also still in the process but I can show you where I got it from. My friend showed me this bird mobile by Spool that I think is pretty sweet.

You can get the free bird pattern here. I have a few birds made, and need a few more. Hopefully it will turn out good.

These are only a few things I am doing. There are pillows to decorate and drapes to make... Too bad I am so slow with it all. Blast this tired body of mine.

if you don't have anything nice to say....

Nights are long. Days are... blurry. I try to get things done but all the sudden Billy is home and I only have a little fabric bird and 2 loads of laundry done to show for what I did. It is a little sad but it is my reality right now.

I have thought about posting something but it always tends to the more negative side. Sometimes I read what others have to say about pregnancy and they gush of their love for it.

Then I just feel guilty.

I have gotten to the point that I just don't know how to answer the question "How are you doing?" anymore. My mind goes blank. Then I come this close to saying:

"Well... my feet are so swollen I now only wear my converse because sandals and flats show everyone my chubby feet and I feel a very urgent need to hide that from all the skinny footed people in my life; the skin on my stomach feels like it is ripping apart so I have decided to just skip all the lotions and just put vaceline on it (which is greasy and gross but I'm running out of good ideas); my nausea is getting bad again (and made me cry all morning until I fell back to sleep), which I am hoping is a sign that the baby is wanting to come soon but I fear it is a sign that I will be nauseous for the rest of my life (heaven help me and my poor Billy); every time I flip during the night, it makes me have Braxton Hicks contractions, which then make me need to pee, so I am now peeing every 20 minutes during the night; and if one more person comments on how big this belly of mine is, I just might have to sit on them and put the weight I have gained to better use."

I don't say all of this because then I would be labeled a Negative Nancy and I hear they tatoo it on your forehead, and we all know I don't need anything else to make me look any more silly than I already feel.

So... to avoid being too negative, I just don't write anything at all. Makes for a boring blog, no? Yes. It does.

But I do have something that I am going to share with you tomorrow that is not so negative and that reminds me that I will be happy I have gone through all of this. You can look forward to that and in the mean time, while you are thinking "boy, I am glad that I am not the one who is 8 1/2 months pregnant," you can keep praying that this baby will get here soon so I stop talking about my pregnant aliments all the time.

I hope you all get a good nights rest... do it for me. Pretty please?

you squish me and i'll squish thee and we'll both be squished together

The conversation Millie and I had this morning. That is, the conversation we would have had if she had a good vocabulary and if we could really talk to each other… and if she is at all like me.

Me: Ok my precious daughter. I am not sure you are aware of this but I am not what people call tall. In fact, on more than one occasion I have been referred to as short. There really isn’t that much room inside of me for you to be moving around like you are.

Millie: You’re telling me. You’re not the one with your head stuck between someone’s pelvis.

Me: Yeah, but you are the one who dropped down there. No one made you do it so early. And you could have tried a little harder to wait to have a growth spurt until we were a little closer to when you are supposed to come.

Millie: Right. Blame me for that. You shouldn’t have done yoga to stretch your hips. I was fine until you did that.

Me: Whatever. You have been killing my hips for months now. If you want me to be healthy for you and get even a couple of hours of sleep, then I had to do something.

Millie: I’m just saying, don’t put all the blame on me.

Me: And I’m just saying, chill out on the head butting and the rib bruising. I like when you move around. If you could just be a little more careful with what it is you are kicking and squishing, I would appreciate it.

Millie: And I would appreciate it if you tried a little harder not to slouch and if you could try to give me a little room to move.

Me: Fine. Then you stop kicking my lungs. I would like not to breath like I just ran a mile, thank you very much.

Millie: And I would like to be able to stretch my legs every once in a while.

Me: Hey, don’t you forget that your livelihood greatly depends on me being nice to you. You better be nice to me or else...

Millie: And don’t you forget that I watched you when you tormented your parents when you were growing up. You’d be surprised at how much I saw and how good I mimick.

Me: Ok. Ok. Let’s not get too carried away. We’ll both try a little harder to be nice to each other and we will both accept that you’ll squish me sometimes and I’ll squish you sometimes. Capeesh?

Millie: Capeesh.

on losing my mind... slowly

Today I cried. Three times. And I don't think I am quite done. Not really for any good reason. A little exhaustion and a lot of self pity.

But I also laughed. At myself. With all the nurses at the doctors office.

When I arrived at the doctor's office, I needed to use the restroom, as I always do. (Just ask Billy. No trip is complete without the 8 stops to the restroom.) While waiting to be picked to see the doctor next, I kept telling myself that I was strong and that I could hold it. They always need a sample. I could wait til then.

Finally the time came and I waddled to the bathroom (full bladders bring out the major waddling, you know). I got all ready to go but instead of peeing in the cup, I put the cup down on the counter and peed in the toilet. Why? You've got me. It made no sense. As soon as I finished, I looked down at the empty cup and realized what I had just done. Nothing. I had nothing to give to the nurse.

So, I jumped around and tried to put a little pressure on my bladder. Nothing. The first time in 8 months that I didn't have a bladder that was about to burst. So I started laughing. And laughing. Eventually I got a drop or two, which is apparently all they needed. Still, I ran out of the bathroom to explain to the nurses my sudden loss of mind. All the nurses just laughed. And so did I.

Maybe that's why women forget so much when they are pregnant... it gives us something to laugh about when everything else seems to make us cry.

 

confessions of a novice mother-to-be

I, Alicia Fish, have no idea what I am doing and what one should do with a baby.

Does this surprise you? No? Me neither.

Let’s look at some of the particulars, shall we?

When telling people that the baby is due in March, a common response is “That is the best time to have children, right after RSV season.” In my most confident voice, I reply with “Oh yes, I know and I am so glad.” What I am really thinking is “Crap, I forgot again to look up what RSV is. The flu? Pneumonia? Polio? Maybe it has nothing to do with health but is the scientific name for ‘winter.’ Yes, that must be it. March is right after the ‘winter’ season. Glad I figured that one out.”

I have also heard women speak of their colicky babies and how it always elicits sympathy from others. I too give my sympathy, though for all I know, it means the baby will only drink chocolate milk. (Another confession: I couldn’t figure out how to spell colicky and in the process of looking it up, I learned what it basically means. But I think I still have a valid point.)

As Billy and I were looking at the baby things at the store, it was even more apparent that I knew nothing as Billy started asking me questions about diapers and car seats and the whatsits and thingamajigs. I just shrugged my shoulders and pretended like we probably won’t need most of those things.

I don’t write this confession to get sympathy for me, but for my unborn child. How will she survive? I suppose things will start to come together as we go along. You know, in the same way that I didn’t know that “morning sickness” has the potential for being all day every day for your entire pregnancy. Just one of those things we eventually picked up on.